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Those that never were. And never worn.

April 1, 2010

Today – I write about strength of character in the face of moral turpitude. Maintaining a principled foundation while the world descends into a darkened quagmire of bad taste and shoddy workmanship. Or to rephrase, staying the stalwart shepherd while the sheep mill in feverish confusion. And also, sitting, stoic,  like an ageless slab of granite, around which the tempestuous tides flow. Lets look at the shoe trends I have always derided and never succumbed to! But first, because each of my lessons starts with a shoe I like, lets gain strength from another unimpeachable classic.

Good. Heroic. Air Jordan 5.

And now on to the bad.

Uggs.

Bad. Uggs. Exactly.

Can’t and won’t do it. I mean – fine comfortable. But like basically a slug on your foot, formless, shapeless, like a great, un-buttressed roll of flesh, unharnessed and uninhibited. Not attractive. Plus often worn with a horrendous assortment of sweat pants, Lululemons, ill-fitting jeans. Feh. And also – may I point out – there is a direct correlation between Ugg wearing and the ever increasing propensity of foot shuffling in our greater population. By definition – the act of walking calls for the LIFTING of one foot before putting it in front of the other – propelling a forward momentum. That said, there are a whole host of people, who insist – instead – on shuffling to and fro – aggravating those of us who have summoned the adequate energy to raise our feet the 2 inches necessary to make a stealth and silent progress, without the rhythmic, lurching, thumping and dragging that marks the approach, or retreat, of the unrepentant shuffler. Aided and abbetted by Uggs, I squarely place  responsibility for the proliferation of shuffling on these not-so-benign boots. To summarize: Uggs don’t do it.

Next! Docs.

Bad. Doc Martins.

I mean – sure, all my friends had them in highschool. And sure – I’ve always been a tomboy and even today my tastes tend towards boy shoes. I like combat boots, parade boots and jungle boots.  See?

But docs? The toe too round? The sole too gummy? The stitching to try-hardish? Too garish, too much? And all the multiple holes? And then worn with like babydoll dresses in the 90’s? Feh. And now they’re making a comeback. I see people on the street busting them – like white ones and stuff – and I don’t MIND them perse. But nothing I could unequivocally get behind.

Crocs! Ha – I mean I don’t think I have to even go into this – right? Can’t bring myself to include a picture. Ugly. hideously, unredeemabley ugly. I don’t care how comfy or convenient, or that Mario Batali wears them as part of his whimsical get up. Happily, I think the Croc zeitgeist has concluded. Plastic shoes are never in fashion people. Like jelly shoes? No. Those Vivienne Westwood plastic shoes? Plastic is for burning and eradicating the ozone, not for your feet. With the righteous exception of flip flops. And aquasocks. Ahah – just kidding.

Rubber boots. See above. Achem. And as an addendum, I find this overly cutesy trend sort of nauseating in a way I can’t quite put my finger on.

Bad. Hunter Boots.

When all the women in the city – at the merest moment of moisture – suddenly appear, jauntily striding about in rubber rain boots? It’s like a Feist video / Apple ad . It is to barf. Too pert, too perky, too My Little Pony clippity cloppity. They scream ADORABLE.   I’m all for superfluous footwear that serves no real purpose – but rubber boots to me are like wearing black framed glasses when you can see 20/20.  Contrived in a way that don’t work.

Aside: I also hate duck boots. But if you had to have rubber boots, like literally, you were working on a mushroom farm – I always had a soft spot for these classics:

Good. Genre defining.

Bad. Tretorns. When white isn't right.

Which brings us to Keds. Oh god. We could also add Tretorns.

Lets me honest – they’re both a bit fey. Like a weak chin. Or hips on a man.

I feel like I’ve said too much.

I think we need to take a time out.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Laurie permalink
    April 1, 2010 10:44 pm

    I think you’ve pretty much covered it. I have had mixed feelings about the Doc resurgence for a while now. Thanks for validating, Shoe Therapist (or, Shtherapist). And an addendum to the Hunter boot debacle – you are generous to suggest ladies only bust them out at the merest hint of moisture. I have seen MANY a pair waddling along College Street on the driest, sunniest of days. I ask ye: why? To me it’s a recipe for stinky feet if nothing else. aka don’t do it.

  2. Laurie permalink
    April 1, 2010 10:47 pm

    and p.p.s. I haven’t thought about Tretorns since I was listening to Debbie Gibson at tennis camp in 1987. Here’s hoping they stay the way of my backswing ie avoided at all costs.

  3. April 2, 2010 10:56 am

    Uggs, uggers, UGLY…duh! The name says it all…why hasn’t everyone figured this out.

  4. sarah silverman permalink
    April 3, 2010 3:14 am

    I have to take issue with you for this post! I wear uggs and I also wear hunter boots…so you are calling ME all those creative negative things that you so wittingly wrote. In my defense, my uggs have side zippers and maintain a nice shape. They are completely pointless whenever it snows so in that way they suck. Also, I live in a city where it rains all the time and a good pair of hunters always do the trick. I should also add that your brother FULLY supported both purchases, so you might have to take up the issue with him!

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